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Please listen to Terry Brennan, of Leading Women for Shared Parenting, explain why default every-other-weekend visitation leads to absentee fathers.Note that in cases where ‘standard’ visitation is awarded — every-other-weekend — fathers become depressed and non-involved, and within 3 years, one study found, 40 percent of children in an unequal visitation arrangement had lost complete touch with their non-custodial parents, which are nearly always the father.They expect the man to be totally interested, committed, involved with his child’s life – and yet – they make it impossible for that involvement to happen.How can you remain interested and involved when you are given no information about the child’s everyday life, when even the most basic contact is made difficult or impossible, when you are limited to four days a month contact time if you are lucky?And once she has the child, she is then almost entirely free of the threat of any consequences.This is a great shame for the children involved who will probably be involved in divorces of their own or be afraid of marriage because they have seen the consequences when they fail.I still believe this, but I also believe in empathy, and for recognizing each other’s humanity.Here is one story from a commenter on the above posts: From John G: From my own experiences, I believe it’s widespread for women to use children as a weapon to exact revenge against the ex during, and after, divorce proceedings. My son was being tutored on what to say to me (did you ever hear a 7-year-old respond ‘I’m not comfortable talking about that’ when asked a question?
The mother is viewed as the ‘real parent’ who almost always gets physical custody of the child.
When he fell over and scraped his arm when he was with me, I was advised by my attorney to go to all the trouble of going to the doctor, having the scrape bandaged and so on, just to legally cover myself in case she would claim that it had in fact been intentionally caused. Some men commit suicide because they can’t handle the anguish.
While on the lookout for anything that could be used against me, all the while constantly being told I was a bad person, a bad father, and all my involvement with my son was systematically stripped away. Others resort to violence and anger against the ex-wife.
She refuses point blank to let me contact the child. Some people will say it would be the noblest thing to carry on fighting regardless. Any father here who has been generously granted a weekend every two weeks knows the feeling when you say goodbye. People who don’t know the situation raise their hands in horror, or pass judgement, assume that this is a choice that is taken lightly and easily. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about it. I don’t like to watch movies with children of that age in them. She told me that the gifts I had been sending postally were in a box and he never got them. All that I could do, once a month or less (she lives a long way from me) would be to visit for a shallow shared visit, a museum trip perhaps – that’s not parenting – that’s just being a Disneyland dad.
You’re just getting used to having them around, and they are gone. Sometimes I see children in shops that look like my child and find it hard not to break down. I had to remove all the photographs that I had of my child and every other item and put them in a box. In a box, held tightly under control, so that I can try and enjoy some semblance of a normal life. I am in despair that many people and the courts expect the impossible.Have a listen: Other ways to listen: i Tunes ♦ Stitcher ♦ Tune In ♦ Sound Cloud ♦ Google Play What I haven’t reported much is the point of view from the checked-out dads, many of whom have shared with me articulate, thoughtful, and often heart-breaking accounts of why they are not part of their children’s lives.